This is a copy of the final edited type that went into my magazine...
I have too many bags, there’s nowhere for them to go. I HAD to sit in the 4 seater area cos I need the space… but other people want to sit here… theyre gonna think I am so selfish sitting here… look at them all staring… bet they’re slagging me off right now. Just stare out the window and don’t look at them… I can feel my face burning… but I needed these seats… I have 4 bags of books for christ’s sake… they don’t care though, they think I should have put them in the bag storage. I’m shaking… I need to stop! Omg, omg, omg… it’s too hot, I am absolutely boiling, I can’t breathe… I cant breathe!... I CAN NOT actually breathe!?... And now I can feel my heart… it’s pounding, pounding, pounding!!! I feel like my chest is going to actually explode… It’s proper banging so hard I can hear it… infact it’s that loud, everyone else must be able to hear it too… omg that is sooo embarrassing!!! I wanna cry. I need to get out… My legs are all weak, don’t think I can walk or stand up… what if I fall?!!… I might actually collapse in front of everyone! Wish I could leave. I’ll just have to stay still… great! now I don’t know where to put my arms and my hands are shaking… I must look soooo fucking awkward. If I sit like this then maybe noone will notice… just keep still!! Ah no! Now my hands are sweating, I need to move them but where?… Omg everyone’s looking at me. They can probably see that I look like a complete idiot. And now I feel even more awkward!... Just pretend you’re texting someone… I’m so so hot! Im proper sweating… I need some air. I’l just fan myself with this booklet… ah that kinda feels better… people are looking… I must be drawing attention to myself even more! Put the booklet down, put it down, put it down!... Aghhh my god why cant I stop shaking!! Feel a bit light headed… breathe! Breathe! Breathe! CALM DOWN!! Breathe! Breathe… sloooowly…. Breathe!
Please don’t speak to me, please don’t speak to me, please please please… ah fuck sake! What do I say…? Erm erm erm… I dunno what to say, I dunno what to say!?! Think…think…THINK… FOR FUCKS SAKE THINK!!! My heads blank… it’s completely blank… I cant think… theres nothing there… its just… I just… omg THINK!!! Say anything. ANYTHING!!! Just fucking speak for fucks sake, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!!! Look at them staring… waiting… they must be thinking you’re a total freak. They think I’m stupid and rude and crazy… theyre never going to bother talking to me again… i cant cope with this… I just wanna run away. I could be at home right now. Safe… think Im gonna cry… STOP! CONCENTRATE! Just think man… THINK!!!!!!!!! Say something… anything… it better make sense though… otherwise they’d think your even more stupid.… Oh great. Oh fucking marvellous… Now you just look like a complete fucking idiot. Was it really that difficult to think of one little thing to say??? Seriously?! Am so angry with myself… I need a fucking slap.
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