I must say Im inspired by yourself and others who have coped with this in certain ways that you have, with myself it really only became apparent that i had any issue within the past few years and the funny thing about that was the doctor was like "you seem like a very bad case of anxiety from what you have told me and your obvious nerves, but it also comes across that your more like someone who has just come from a psychiatrist rather than anyone who needs one, im sort of impressed but worried on your part too how exactly you have coped if not with medical help" i cant remember my answer to him well, but i think i brought about the fact that im a bloody good actor i suppose and my family shite and lack real friends tied with my own personal interest on how to read people and those i knew in college (stoner crowd of "part time" mates) sorta trained me for coping with my own paranoia and those fucking awful alone times that i have grown far too comfy with. In short Im quite aware now that my issue's (in irony) have become my personality trait that gives me my character that i play quite well when acting among the masses of deceitful fellow liars of the public social scene. here have a peek at this rant i put up a few months back and you may get my point about myself; http://scarylines.blogspot.com/2010/09/constant-feeling-of-being-fuck-up-loser.html
also artist Alex Paradee has claimed to have got his certain style from dealing with anxiety ; http://eyesuckink.com/ hope i didn't over do this comment and enjoy the links as best you can ;p.
You see I dont feel like I 'coped' as such, it was all down to the therapist. I went into those sessions with a completely closed mind. There was not a chance of anyone changing my thinking and my mind as I am very strong willed. However it seems I was wrong. In general thought I do believe doctors (well GPs) are useless! Completely. They dont care about the patients at all.
Would you ever try visiting a doctor again? Or have you kinda resigned yourself to the fact that its part of you? I know different things affect people in different ways, for me personally, I am the same person as I always have been, I just find myself now slightly more able to cope with situations now for example I find it easier to talk in front of people, my head doesnt go completely blank and I can physically speak or I can walk to the toilets in uni without thinking that everyone is staring and saying stuff and laughing at me. I dont notice what Im doing with my arms and legs and how awkward I look when I walk. But yeah, I am still the same and I believe alot about the way I am is a result from having things like s.a.d and perfectionism and panic disorder, I dont think Id be the same person without it all so I am glad. People who know me have always said Im strange and weird and people have said they have never met anyone like me, and I wouldnt have it any other way. Why would I want to be normal and boring- wheres the fun in that!?! I dont want to be like everyone else. But yeah I dont think I compromised that by getting help and getting better. It just meant that I didnt have the problems and issues alongside it. People didnt and dont care about how I am feeling inside or that I was terrified of people or that I was too scared to talk in class, so changing that didnt really affect how people saw me all that much, it just made me feel better I guess. Altho recently I have been slipping backwards a bit due to stress and the old thoughts are creeping back in but I need to try and stop it cos I dont wanna be back there lost and practically terrified of life. Dunno if that makes any sense. I am just rambling on and on. I guess Im trying to understand it all in my head too. You seem very cynical. As too am I (Sorry I am not trying to make assumptions of you... I cannot stand it when people do that to me). However do you ever feel like being cynical is kinda isolating, leaving you bitter and resentful? Cos I find that. Maybe my view of the world is wrong and maybe everyone else is right because everyone else seems to be having alot more fun than I am.
Alex Pardee... I remember writing about him in my personal statement actually! I only know him through The Useds album art. Wish I could draw like that...
Trust me that does make sense. i wish i new what to say to you dude, i don't know your situation with family and friends so you may be very different to myself in that area. My perspective has become very one sided im aware of how very different every one else's views are to my own and in honesty even those who do believe they see it my way whom i attempt to trust.....well i cant lie dude.....i dont trust....i am cynical....i am negetive...and due to my history and having well....no body....(except my ideas...work) i resolve my status of having to make do with what i have by just trying to see it as this big fucking joke on my part....everything attempts to show me in my life thus far how shit people are and how pissed i should be at everyone and thing....but i use that and i feel that being this way in my view does not have to be as sad and as unhappy as people make out..... if anything it forces me more to try and show all the shit i see people for, how decent and good the so called misserable party poopers are..... as i see it all those pretend positive people at least a good sum of them are worse then us because they are scared of how we see things they just wanna have a laugh and not think to much about those little things that we question sooo much,......"does that person think im trying to be like this.. ?and be all popular" "why did he make that face just then was that at me...perhaps it was this or that erm..?" in my case an oldy for me that never ends really is "perhaps they think im just a joke a loser a failure, maybe they just take pitty on...nah im not having that, not giving them that im better off on my own"
i cant say im better off dude but i have my own way of trying to deal with it part of that is just trying to be the good guy that i would like to believe everyone wants to be, that secretly we all know we are not, thats why im honest with stuff thats why i enjoy dark horrific ideas and story's, thats me im a fucked in the head scared kid with a love of everything that does not exist anywhere but in my head.
One last thing i understand being very fragile with the idea of falling backwards again...really i do...but other than welcoming it and attempting to make it help instead of hurt..... hell man if i had a better answer id be better off myself but thats all i have.......i think, i dunno in person i may have more better, but then its also likely i will get nervous in mid rant and talk of any tiny stupid thought that comes across me. ;p
and art i am a very positive person not one of those 'pretendy' ones b4 u say. I generally think if u think positive it does ur mind and health good and makes u generally more happy and sociable. Thats just my opinion u don't have to agree with it but i thought ill share.
and yous need to stop thinking that ppl are thinking this and that about you, just enjoy being urself and live and enjoy evry moment. If ppl don't like you for who u are its not ur problem its theres.
kay well ...its just easier for some i suppose all the power to you on that mind set dude really...but my point i suppose is its not as simple as flicking the Neg-Pos switch and it gets frustrating that everyone thinks it is. iv been getting the stuff you said above since i was a wee sprite and seriously i have tried i keep trying obviously but the stupidity of the psychology is, that you get told to be yourself....well ok sure lets er be myself.... oh wait im a cynical prat and im constantly over thinking stuff hahaha ;p so on that note everyone else is telling me to pretend...ok for others sake and being polite i can understand that but on the general assertion of my life...what do i do? ...what i suppose im struggling to say above is that.....(in the most positive way i can term it which as i see it is the diss-honest way) i cant make the way everyone else instructs work for me so i just tend to try and go with what i am....use it ..instead off running from it , not easy and get told im wrong and need help allot but what else can i do but go with it and try to laugh at myself for how utterly daft it all is. ;D Its like i mentioned on Pardee, he uses his problem as a big gag, he is actually being himself he is fucked up and he states it out loud with web sits called EYE SUCK he admits to his issue and uses it as his number1 character trait that makes him himself. yes im cynical, negative, morbid whatever label im slapped with but i make jokes about myself im aware of my personality flaws and use them to my advantage...well i try. ....i tend to make an arse of myself in doing so but i try. ;p sos also if it seems im trying to attack here, its not intended that way. ...erm peace and love save the pandas... or any other bears really... bears rock....im just rambling now for comedic effect sorry.
I must say Im inspired by yourself and others who have coped with this in certain ways that you have, with myself it really only became apparent that i had any issue within the past few years and the funny thing about that was the doctor was like "you seem like a very bad case of anxiety from what you have told me and your obvious nerves, but it also comes across that your more like someone who has just come from a psychiatrist rather than anyone who needs one, im sort of impressed but worried on your part too how exactly you have coped if not with medical help" i cant remember my answer to him well, but i think i brought about the fact that im a bloody good actor i suppose and my family shite and lack real friends tied with my own personal interest on how to read people and those i knew in college (stoner crowd of "part time" mates) sorta trained me for coping with my own paranoia and those fucking awful alone times that i have grown far too comfy with. In short Im quite aware now that my issue's (in irony) have become my personality trait that gives me my character that i play quite well when acting among the masses of deceitful fellow liars of the public social scene. here have a peek at this rant i put up a few months back and you may get my point about myself; http://scarylines.blogspot.com/2010/09/constant-feeling-of-being-fuck-up-loser.html
ReplyDeletealso artist Alex Paradee has claimed to have got his certain style from dealing with anxiety ; http://eyesuckink.com/
hope i didn't over do this comment and enjoy the links as best you can ;p.
You see I dont feel like I 'coped' as such, it was all down to the therapist. I went into those sessions with a completely closed mind. There was not a chance of anyone changing my thinking and my mind as I am very strong willed. However it seems I was wrong.
ReplyDeleteIn general thought I do believe doctors (well GPs) are useless! Completely. They dont care about the patients at all.
Would you ever try visiting a doctor again? Or have you kinda resigned yourself to the fact that its part of you? I know different things affect people in different ways, for me personally, I am the same person as I always have been, I just find myself now slightly more able to cope with situations now for example I find it easier to talk in front of people, my head doesnt go completely blank and I can physically speak or I can walk to the toilets in uni without thinking that everyone is staring and saying stuff and laughing at me. I dont notice what Im doing with my arms and legs and how awkward I look when I walk. But yeah, I am still the same and I believe alot about the way I am is a result from having things like s.a.d and perfectionism and panic disorder, I dont think Id be the same person without it all so I am glad. People who know me have always said Im strange and weird and people have said they have never met anyone like me, and I wouldnt have it any other way. Why would I want to be normal and boring- wheres the fun in that!?! I dont want to be like everyone else. But yeah I dont think I compromised that by getting help and getting better. It just meant that I didnt have the problems and issues alongside it. People didnt and dont care about how I am feeling inside or that I was terrified of people or that I was too scared to talk in class, so changing that didnt really affect how people saw me all that much, it just made me feel better I guess. Altho recently I have been slipping backwards a bit due to stress and the old thoughts are creeping back in but I need to try and stop it cos I dont wanna be back there lost and practically terrified of life. Dunno if that makes any sense. I am just rambling on and on. I guess Im trying to understand it all in my head too.
You seem very cynical. As too am I (Sorry I am not trying to make assumptions of you... I cannot stand it when people do that to me). However do you ever feel like being cynical is kinda isolating, leaving you bitter and resentful? Cos I find that. Maybe my view of the world is wrong and maybe everyone else is right because everyone else seems to be having alot more fun than I am.
Alex Pardee... I remember writing about him in my personal statement actually! I only know him through The Useds album art. Wish I could draw like that...
Trust me that does make sense. i wish i new what to say to you dude, i don't know your situation with family and friends so you may be very different to myself in that area. My perspective has become very one sided im aware of how very different every one else's views are to my own and in honesty even those who do believe they see it my way whom i attempt to trust.....well i cant lie dude.....i dont trust....i am cynical....i am negetive...and due to my history and having well....no body....(except my ideas...work) i resolve my status of having to make do with what i have by just trying to see it as this big fucking joke on my part....everything attempts to show me in my life thus far how shit people are and how pissed i should be at everyone and thing....but i use that and i feel that being this way in my view does not have to be as sad and as unhappy as people make out..... if anything it forces me more to try and show all the shit i see people for, how decent and good the so called misserable party poopers are..... as i see it all those pretend positive people at least a good sum of them are worse then us because they are scared of how we see things they just wanna have a laugh and not think to much about those little things that we question sooo much,......"does that person think im trying to be like this.. ?and be all popular" "why did he make that face just then was that at me...perhaps it was this or that erm..?" in my case an oldy for me that never ends really is "perhaps they think im just a joke a loser a failure, maybe they just take pitty on...nah im not having that, not giving them that im better off on my own"
ReplyDeletei cant say im better off dude but i have my own way of trying to deal with it part of that is just trying to be the good guy that i would like to believe everyone wants to be, that secretly we all know we are not, thats why im honest with stuff thats why i enjoy dark horrific ideas and story's, thats me im a fucked in the head scared kid with a love of everything that does not exist anywhere but in my head.
One last thing i understand being very fragile with the idea of falling backwards again...really i do...but other than welcoming it and attempting to make it help instead of hurt..... hell man if i had a better answer id be better off myself but thats all i have.......i think, i dunno in person i may have more better, but then its also likely i will get nervous in mid rant and talk of any tiny stupid thought that comes across me. ;p
seriously yous too think too much, just enjoy life! Life is too short lol
ReplyDeleteand art i am a very positive person not one of those 'pretendy' ones b4 u say. I generally think if u think positive it does ur mind and health good and makes u generally more happy and sociable. Thats just my opinion u don't have to agree with it but i thought ill share.
ReplyDeleteand yous need to stop thinking that ppl are thinking this and that about you, just enjoy being urself and live and enjoy evry moment. If ppl don't like you for who u are its not ur problem its theres.
ReplyDeletekay well ...its just easier for some i suppose all the power to you on that mind set dude really...but my point i suppose is its not as simple as flicking the Neg-Pos switch and it gets frustrating that everyone thinks it is.
ReplyDeleteiv been getting the stuff you said above since i was a wee sprite and seriously i have tried i keep trying obviously but the stupidity of the psychology is, that you get told to be yourself....well ok sure lets er be myself.... oh wait im a cynical prat and im constantly over thinking stuff hahaha ;p so on that note everyone else is telling me to pretend...ok for others sake and being polite i can understand that but on the general assertion of my life...what do i do? ...what i suppose im struggling to say above is that.....(in the most positive way i can term it which as i see it is the diss-honest way) i cant make the way everyone else instructs work for me so i just tend to try and go with what i am....use it ..instead off running from it , not easy and get told im wrong and need help allot but what else can i do but go with it and try to laugh at myself for how utterly daft it all is. ;D
Its like i mentioned on Pardee, he uses his problem as a big gag, he is actually being himself he is fucked up and he states it out loud with web sits called EYE SUCK he admits to his issue and uses it as his number1 character trait that makes him himself.
yes im cynical, negative, morbid whatever label im slapped with but i make jokes about myself im aware of my personality flaws and use them to my advantage...well i try. ....i tend to make an arse of myself in doing so but i try. ;p
sos also if it seems im trying to attack here, its not intended that way. ...erm peace and love save the pandas... or any other bears really... bears rock....im just rambling now for comedic effect sorry.